Stranger's Eyes

It was a late night study session. The usual. I always do this. I always do this. I was enjoying the tedium of my usual routine, not expecting much to happen. Nothing much ever happens. If anything, boredom almost brings comfort, like a cushion of safety that I know I can fall back on. In that library, I enjoy late nights in the cushion’s embrace. After all, I always do this. 

But then, I saw you. Wait, you were there all along? The brief moment could’ve lasted for an eternity. It started with a glimpse of your side profile, until all I could see was your back. At first, I wanted to believe it wasn’t you. It couldn’t be you. Why would you be here? I didn’t want it to be you, but I knew that I could recognise you if I’d lost all senses. It was you. Of course, the one exciting thing to happen in that library had to do with you. 

Then, I prayed you wouldn't see me. I was convinced that God had heard my prayer; that I could sink in my feelings, unnoticed from afar. That came crashing down when you looked back at me. Did you see me first? You had every opportunity to see me first. You also had every option to not look back at me. But you did. You looked back at me. 

Why, though? When you shoot me with those dangerously kind brown eyes, I relive it all. The moment I blink, we’re seventeen again, kissing each other through eye contact in class. For that split second, I remember seeing your eyes looking hurt when I spoke about him in your presence. I remember your eyes looking at me even though your hand was holding her. Your eyes. Your eyes. Seeing them made me want to cry again. What happened to us? What curse did we get hit with? Do you even understand what’s going on?

I keep going back to that year, those moments felt through our eyes. As much as either of us didn’t want to, we keep going back to that year, like a revolving door that leads to an endless roller coaster of emotions. I told myself I wasn’t gonna go back. Until I saw you again in my sleep. Pisces season made me relive the library scene. Great. I had to avoid the stranger’s eyes again. Only this time you didn’t avoid mine. Instead, we found ourselves next to each other, an extremely unlikely occurrence. My heart raced. Of course this wasn’t real, but I couldn’t leave this dream. We hugged. We don’t do that. That doesn’t happen. Except it happened in my mind that night. Every troubled feeling poured out of me from that hug. I rained and rained. 

It wasn’t real, yet it provided a pinch of hope. Not hope of us reuniting. Just hope that next time, I will look into the stranger’s eyes and not feel despair. Next time, I’ll be smiling from my own happiness. And I hope you’ll be the same.