Battle

It’s battle time. Time to rally the troops. I’ve picked my bravest warriors because today we’re facing the Lords of Doom clan. They’ve been attacking our grain stores for days and now it’s time to strike back. My ranks are assembled like this:

1) The first line of defence is, obviously, a line of barbarians. A barbarian is the toughest fighter around. They’re giants of men who charge into battle without any armour. They’re all brawn and no brain, kind of like my stepdad Jeff…

2) Then come the archers who bring the brains, and my guys never miss a shot.

3) Next we have the goblins. These are the mischief makers, which is what Mum calls Danny when the school phones about another fight.

4) Beyond them stand the giants, who are even more giant than the barbarians!

5) At the back I’ve stationed the healers. They take care of the troops when they’re injured and stitch them back together again. They’re like Mum – always trying to make things better.

All the ranks are ready and raring to go. The fanfare of battle is blaring. It’s almost time. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for. I can feel my heart slamming against my chest and my fingers feel tingly from how fast my pulse is racing. I’m ready to lead the battle. I get the troops to hold... 

Distorted voices filter through to the field. They’re not coming from the troops. They’re coming from somewhere else. I try to hold my focus. My clan is depending on me and I need to lead us to victory.

Hold… 

The voices get closer and louder. Close and loud enough for me to hear. It’s Jeff and Mum. I try to concentrate.

Hold…

Suddenly, there’s this massive crash. I recognise that sound. It’s the sound of Jeff smashing a beer bottle on the kitchen floor. I count how many seconds pass before he smashes another. It’s normally 10, but this time he’s reached his personal best of 5.

Hold… and CHARGE! Limbs fly everywhere as the first rank charges forwards, the barbarians tearing up the battlefield, chucking mud everywhere. In the corner of my eye, I see Jeff’s arms flailing in anger. He’s gone red. Bright red. Blood red.

The healers have joined the battle, tending to the already fallen. I see Mum on her hands and knees picking up pieces of glass.

The Lords of Doom mobilise their first rank, but they haven’t lined up the next ones – it’s like they know they’ve already won. Time to release our next fighters. The archers start pinging their arrows across the field, tearing into the enemy. Meanwhile, the goblins skip onto the field, excited to cause chaos…

I see something moving. It’s the front door. Danny slowly pokes his head into the room. He smiles at me, holding one finger to his lips as he tiptoes into the house, exaggerating his steps for a laugh. He’s looking at me, not where he’s going. Stumbling, he drops his bag. Jeff’s attention turns on him.

“Where the fuck do you think you’ve been? Think you got someplace better to be?” The veins in his neck are twitching.

“I was someplace better.” 

“What did you say?”

“Are you slow? I said I was someplace better.”

Jeff’s neck vein looks like it might pop out of his skin. He lunges for Danny but Danny ducks easily out the way and instead Jeff makes contact with the wall. Danny smirks.

“Looks like you are slow.”

Jeff’s slower than Danny but he’s bigger. Much bigger. It’s a standard one on one, barbarian versus goblin. Jeff lunges and misses again. He goes on lunging and missing, classic barbarian. Meanwhile Danny’s messing around with Jeff, getting close to him then ducking away last minute.

Back on the battlefield, the Lords of Doom have made their next move. They’ve sent out their goblins. My stomach turns. These aren’t any old goblins. They’re goblin-barbarian mutants. Twice the size of my guys and twice the skill. We’re losing troops by the second…

Danny’s losing ground as Jeff advances and corners him in the kitchen. His size is now making up for his lack of brains. Danny’s not smirking anymore.

“Think you’re such a smart guy, huh?” Jeff’s now the one with the smirk. Danny can’t back down so he spits at Jeff. Bad move. 

Jeff grabs his neck with one hand and jerks him up. It looks like he’s holding a chicken and he’s about to wring its neck. Danny’s face starts turning red. Blood red. 

“Leave him alone please! Stop it, please! Please, Jeff! Jeff! Please!” Mum’s screaming but Jeff’s not a listener. She reaches out to tug at his arm; she’s always been a healer, always trying to protect everyone else. 

Jeff turns and shoves her off, giving Danny a window to escape. He ducks underneath Jeff and bolts out the front door. I know it will be a while before I see him again.

My troops are like sitting ducks and if they don’t get reinforcements soon it’s going to get worse. It’s time to bring out the big guns and send out my giants. They’ll know what to do. They charge full speed, their footprints leaving craters, ready to rip apart the enemy when… 

“I said, get off your fucking phone!” It’s Jeff. He yanks my headphones off my head and chucks them across the room. They look like an archer’s arrow mid-flight, before they collide with the wall and snap in half.

“Leave him alone!” Mum pleads, but like any good barbarian, to him words mean nothing. She’s no match for him and so instead works her healer magic; she gathers the pieces of my headphones with shaky hands and tries to put them back together. 

“You think you’re so damn smart, tapping away on that little screen. Tap, tap, tap.” Jeff presses his finger with force into my arm with each ‘tap’, adding to the bruises from before. “Well, you’re not smart ‘cause it’s not fucking real!” He’s slurring his words now and it won’t be long before he passes out. Grabbing Mum’s wrist, he grunts and stumbles through the doorway into the bedroom. 

I turn back to my clan. We’ve been defeated.