Awakening

“I actually feel a lot better now,” I remarked, lingering on my swing. It was a usual Monday evening and Nick and I were debriefing about our life in the playground. It was nothing special. A roundabout and a climbing frame and a slide. A faux fire engine too. At least it was secluded so people couldn’t watch us two sadcases, over the age limit to be here.

“Wow, you’re coming around right now,” Nick commented, “Look, when you taste something better, you stop wanting it.”

“Or I just realised how vile it tasted. Plus you know the best thing about being single.”

Nick raises an eyebrow, “Oh yeah, not being with someone shit.”

“I don’t think Leon was shit.”

Nick seemed caught off guard, looking down at his fingers apprehensively, “No, I mean Louis. Like what if you were with someone shit and unworthy of your time of day? It never ends well, like you and Louis. I’d rather be single than waste my time with someone shit.”

“True, but I meant something else,” I replied. I opened my mouth to ask Nick if anything was wrong, but closed it after sensing it wasn’t the right moment.

“What?” His tone of voice had heightened in an attempt to dissolve the invisible tension.

“I don’t have to worry about contraception.”

“Very true,” Nick replied, then his tone lowered. “Do you think you should do a test just in case?”

Fuck. I do not want to even think of going to Tesco’s pharmacy and performing the walk of shame to the counter. I am single, underage. At least I know who the father is, because I haven’t been sleeping around like Louis. The thing about cis males is that they can act like massive slags and not even worry that they might get pregnant.

“Maybe. I mean it’s highly unlikely,” I shrugged. Secretly, I was worried.

“There is still a chance. The condom could have broken.”

“We didn’t use condoms. Louis says all of his friends use the pull out method and he believes it’s foolproof,” I responded, sheepishly, knowing I can’t win an argument against my no-nonsense mate. Oh fuck, Nick is going to grill me.

“He also believes it’s completely non-damaging to ghost his girlfriend instead of voicing his feelings,” Nick clapped back.

“True. But still, it’s a low chance, and I’m probably less likely to get pregnant because I have PCOS and I need to lose weight, according to BMI.”

“Bullshit Male Invention you mean?” Nick grinned, shooting me the sassiest, knowing glare. I nodded, a bit bewildered by and in awe of Nick’s I-don’t-give-a-damn attitude. “Still a chance. The pre-ejaculate could contain sperm.”

“Yeah. I don’t think I’m pregnant,” I trembled. The thought made shivers creep up my spine.

“Sure. Still do a test just in case.”

Ugh, it would be the worst if I test positive. I seriously can’t deal with a baby - Louis’ presence being physically inside of me. Think positive thoughts, Jas.

Wanting to change the subject, I turned to Nick. “So how was school, Nick?”

“School. What about you?”

“It was okay. At least I didn’t have Sociology. Ugh, I have it tomorrow.”

“You can always sit somewhere else. It’s the most logical thing.”

“I mean, I’d love to sit with Cilla and Emma. They seem like such cool people,” I said, blissfully. Even admitting that made me self conscious of what my long-time friend would think.

“Yeah. I like being in the same class as Cilla,” Nick casually mentioned, pretending he didn’t notice anything. They are the coolest girls I’ve ever met, and idolising people doesn't always end well, but just let me admire them from afar. I especially admire Cilla. She is so hilarious. I can’t get over her plan to slam a select number of mens’ balls between a piano and its lid. If only my next boyfriend has some of her essence. Not wanting me to be hurt by heartless men, and just watching them get away with it.

“Cilla’s such a cool person. Like, not one ounce of her audacity has disintegrated since primary school.”

“Jas, I can see you admire her a lot,” Nick commented, giving me another one of his knowing looks.

“No, I would never do anything as crass as what Cilla used to do. Remember when she was mooning at a recycling plant in primary school? I’m more classy than that,” I backtracked, pretending I didn’t know what Nick was getting at.

“You don’t have to want to be her to, you know...”

“What exactly are you implying?” I quickly tried to shut him down. “I don’t like her like that.”

I’m not queer. I’m a straight woman who just got dumped by her boyfriend and wants to focus on her friends or some really cool girls in Sociology. It’s not like I have a bias for Cilla.

Maybe we went to the same primary school and maybe we ended up kissing at the leavers’ disco. It was before she transitioned, so I didn’t know that she was a woman at the time I kissed her, and I have grown up since then. Yes, she is hilarious and she is absolutely pretty but anybody would think that about her. She has a prettiness which makes you feel warm inside and a bit hazy. She’s so pretty, she would make a 99 Flake ice cream melt into a disintegrating mess.

“Look, I get that you appreciate her very much and she’s a lovely girl,” Nick reasoned, again trying to accuse me of crushing on her, “You just need to let yourself feel.”

“What? The last time I let myself feel I ended up caring so much for a piece of shit,” I riposted before melting into a smile, “She’s really pretty, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she’s pretty, but are you sure you’re straight?”

“Of course. It’s one of the few things I’m certain about these days.”

“Sure.” The way Nick said it told me he didn’t sound convinced. Maybe I felt an admiration for Cilla. I didn’t feel the same about her as Nick does. He simply sees her as a mate. Not finding her overwhelmingly pretty. Maybe it’s just a girl thing. I thought I wanted to look like her, but deep down it was just me wanting to look different. Smaller. More conventionally attractive. I wanted to be certain about something. Have something normal about me when my body isn’t the norm. Men don’t want me. Louis probably found a prettier version of me as soon as he could. He only dated me to tide him over, and I was reluctant to confront that. I deluded myself with the notion he loved me, but maybe what he loved about me is what I gave him. A one up from his friends. Status as a man. Sex.

“It was pretty shit what Louis did,” I concluded glumly, feeling embarrassed that I ever thought he cared.

“Exactly. His sidepiece, Bennie, also didn’t seem to be in the know about it. She thought it was exclusively her and Louis but you were left out in the cold. Makes the man seem even worse.” Bennie may seem nice, but I still had my reservations about her. Why did she go out with Louis in the first place? He’s not exactly the most good-looking guy, but maybe I simply thought that because I now saw him for who he was. A grade A wanker.

“I wonder why she went out with him in the first place,” I said, “I thought he was different but he’s just like his friends.”

“I don’t know. She probably didn’t know him that well, and she tends to go out with people who she knows are weak and pathetic.” Nick giggled to himself. “Remember when I liked Alan Barling?”  I missed constantly bullying Nick about his far-from-finest moment in secondary school.

“Oh god! You were proper Year 8 then,” I shrieked with laughter. Alan Barling, also known as Nick’s former older lover who was in Year 10 at the time. He was always running around in his polo shirt on the school field, playing football. Alan held the door for Nick one time and he was instantly enamoured. The look of awe on Nick’s face when he was watching Alan fighting a Year 9 over the Year 9 calling Alan a ‘pussy’. He probably lauded him as a national hero after it, which is more embarrassing than me being impressed by Cilla mooning a recycling plant when I was ten. “I got the ick when I overheard him use the t-slur.”

“Yeah, not the type of person you would want to associate yourself with.”

“Exactly. I just think it’s not Bennie’s fault that Louis is such a bastard. We’re in the same Graphic Design class, and she comes across as a lovely person,” Nick voiced.

“True,” I still felt weird about the girl he cheated on me with.

“I guess be careful with who you trust, but Louis is always going to be the biggest wanker in this situation. He’s done more to hurt you regardless of whether Bennie chose to put herself in that position. Even if Bennie knew Louis was two-timing, two-timing itself is worse than knowingly being the sidepiece.”

“She dumped him as soon as she knew what he was doing, and she asked me if I was okay after that disaster. It was fucking humiliating seeing that prick, sitting there. The much prettier Bennie being cuddled by his manly arm. That confirmed all my worries about not being pretty enough for him,” I expressed before thinking that maybe, Bennie isn’t as bad as I made her out to be. Maybe I’m just an insecure, jealous twat.

“See, Bennie probably didn’t know. She wasn’t going to tolerate that from him and she probably cares about how you feel.”

If only I had more self-respect and knew to leave it when Louis was acting rather vacant these past few weeks. Instead of thinking I was the problem. “True. She’s more likely to dump him if she knew what he was doing.”