If I Told You I'd Have To Kill You

EXT. ELDERWOOD MANOR – DAY

It is a perfect spring day. The sun shines over an “ELDERWOOD MANOR: LUXURY RETIREMENT” sign. A moped pulls up and ADAM (28) steps off. He pulls his keys out of the ignition, which are attached to a disco-ball keychain, then walks inside.

INT. HECTOR’S ROOM – DAY

HECTOR (73) puts on a freshly pressed shirt and trousers. He tightens his tie, fastens his buttons, and shines his shoes with immaculate posture. His moustache is well-kept. HECTOR marks off March 29th which is titled “JANE 48YR DAY” on his calendar. He addresses a well-loved black and white photo of a lady: JANE (63).

HECTOR

Today is the day, Janey.

There is a knock on the door. ADAM (28), dressed in a Nurse’s tabard, steers a trolley with various refreshments, assistive devices, and medications into the room.

HECTOR

Come on in!

ADAM

Good morning… Hector, is it? How are we doing today mate? 

HECTOR

Ah, you must be the new chap! 

HECTOR squints at ADAM’s name badge.

HECTOR (CONT’D)

Alan, is it?

ADAM

Adam. And yes, I started this morning – got any tips?

HECTOR pauses and laughs.

HECTOR

Is that moped yours? 

HECTOR gestures through his window – showing the manor’s lawn and car park. 

ADAM 

Um, yes, it is. Why?

HECTOR

Oh, Good man! Good man!

HECTOR extends a hand to ADAM. As ADAM shakes it, HECTOR embraces him and gives him two firm pats on the back. ADAM pulls away, shocked. 

ADAM 

Right, so um, what do you like to drink in the mornings?

HECTOR’s face completely drops. His expression is cold and sinister.

HECTOR

Ah, Adam… If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.

HECTOR walks past ADAM and out into the corridor. Now hidden from ADAM’s view, HECTOR opens his palm, revealing ADAM’s keys with their disco ball keychain and smiles.

INT. DINING HALL – DAY   

A grand hall bustles with elderly people and catering staff. JULIE (45) slides a glass of orange juice over the counter to HECTOR.

JULIE 

Made fresh this morning. How many years is it today then?

HECTOR 

Thanks Julie. It’s 48 years today. 

JULIE 

She was one lucky woman!

HECTOR smiles genuinely at JULIE.

HECTOR

I was luckier.

HECTOR walks across the room and takes a seat at a table by the window. MOIRA (68) approaches with a tray and clears her throat.

MOIRA 

Is this seat taken? I have a pot of tea for 2.

HECTOR frowns.

HECTOR

I didn’t order any tea—

MOIRA

No, it’s definitely for you. Sue sends her regards.

MOIRA winks behind her thick purple glasses and HECTOR spies SUE (82) sat in a padded chair across the room. She nods, once. HECTOR nods back.

HECTOR 

Give her my thanks.

MOIRA places the tray on the table and offloads the tea pot and two cups and saucers. Then she picks the tray up and walks off, leaving an A4 brown envelope behind. It is labelled ‘OPERATION HONEYMOON.’ HECTOR is opening it as BRIAN (65), a bald, smiley man in zip down tracksuits arrives and sits opposite.

BRIAN

Ey-up Hector! Happy anniversary mate! Oooh is that from Sue?

HECTOR

SHHH!... Yes, it is. 

HECTOR discretely opens the envelope and pulls out: one five-pound note; a cut-out of March 29th newspaper’s crossword and a handwritten note that reads “Give her my love –S.” BRIAN pours himself a cup of tea.

HECTOR

Did you get what I asked for?

BRIAN

Of course I did! I packed all the goodies! Plus, I added a few extra… 

BRIAN grins proudly and moves in closer to HECTOR and speaks in a whisper.

BRIAN

The dead drop is in the peacock’s nest…

BRIAN winks badly. HECTOR seems confused.

BRIAN

I’ll cause interference, giving you approximately three minutes to pick up the package and exit the establishment as planned. Make sure you’re back for bingo at 5pm sharp matey. Oh, and tell Jane that I miss her choux pastries.

HECTOR nods and checks his watch. 

HECTOR

I will. Thank you so much chap. Just one quick question on the whole operation.

BRIAN

Of course.

HECTOR

What kind of distraction have you got planned this year? Are you going for the classic?

BRIAN chuckles.

BRIAN 

I think the paramedics might catch on. Don’t you worry Hector; I’ve cooked up something brilliant! 

BRIAN downs the rest of his tea. He leans in conspiratorially, lowering his voice even further.

BRIAN

Watch and learn…

HECTOR grins as BRIAN walks towards the centre of the room. HECTOR folds the envelope under his arm and slips out the side door. As the doors close, there are wolf whistles, shrieks, and various exclamations: “OH BRIAN PUT THAT AWAY;” “BRIAN YOU DOG!” etc.

EXT. FRONT LAWN – DAY

HECTOR sneaks along the wall a few metres before stopping completely in his tracks. He drops his stealthy pretence and walks over to a topiary peacock, and sighs at a very visible backpack placed on top of the bush. He grabs it and hunkers behind cover to read an A4 piece of paper stapled to the bag. Across it in block capitals is written: “To H, (hector)” and in small print “love brian x.” HECTOR unzips the bag, places the envelope inside and swings the backpack over his shoulder. Then he walks cautiously towards the staff parking. He grins and pulls ADAM’s keys out of his pocket.

HECTOR

Let’s dance.

EXT. COUNTRY LANE – DAY

HECTOR whizzes along on the moped, pulling a face of intense concentration. He checks the time on his watch and the moped wobbles – he centres himself and looks anxious. The indicator clicks left as he pulls up into high street parking. He walks towards a shop: “Graham’s Groceries.”

INT. GRAHAM’S GROCERIES – DAY

The shop is small and colourful, HECTOR approaches a chest freezer full of ice cream. He picks out a Calippo, then pauses at a “TWO 4 ONE ON ALL ICE CREAM” and goes back for a second. He puts both ice-creams down on the counter in front of GRAHAM (46).

GRAHAM

This everything?

HECTOR nods. 

GRAHAM (CONT’D)

That’ll be £2.60.

HECTOR hands over the £5 note. Graham smiles and returns the £2.40 change. The men nod once at each other and HECTOR leaves.

EXT. GRAHAM’S GROCERIES – DAY

As HECTOR leaves the shop, he notices something over the street. “BEE’S BAKERY”

He smiles.

EXT. BEE'S BAKERY – DAY

HECTOR walks out of Bee’s Bakery with a grin and a paper bag. He puts it in the rucksack and checks his watch. He gets back on the moped and sets off.

EXT. COUNTRY LANE – DAY

HECTOR drives the moped through Cemetery gates by a sign that reads “St. Mark’s Graveyard.”

EXT. ST MARK’S CEMETERY – DAY 

HECTOR disembarks and walks through the graveyard for a while before stopping when he sees a bench. He rustles through the backpack to find the breath mints BRIAN packed. He chews one, then goes and sits down. HECTOR unpacks his rucksack, placing one Calippo on the seat beside him. He takes out a posy of flowers, which are slightly crumpled, and the second Calippo which he unwraps and starts eating.

HECTOR

Happy anniversary love. 48 years. Brian says hi.

HECTOR sighs contentedly. 

HECTOR (CONT’D)

Ooh! Yeah, Sue left us a note. I think she misses you. They all do. Place isn’t the same. They’ve stopped doing jazz nights.

HECTOR shakes his head.

HECTOR (CONT’D)

I miss jazz nights.

HECTOR coughs.

HECTOR (CONT’D) 

I miss you too.

HECTOR pulls out the newspaper crossword from the brown envelope and starts pencilling in the answers. RORY (12) approaches out of HECTOR’s vision and interrupts from over his shoulder.

RORY

Adventure Time.

HECTOR jumps, surprised. 

HECTOR

What?

RORY points at 13 Down.

RORY

“Children’s cartoon: Jake and Finn the Human.” It’s Adventure Time. 

HECTOR frowns and fills it out. RORY is correct.

HECTOR

Thanks.

RORY

No problem. I’m really good at crosswords. 

HECTOR nods.

RORY (CONT’D)

Why haven’t you done any of the Down ones?

 HECTOR pulls the same serious face he gave to ADAM that morning.

HECTOR

If I told you I’d have to kill you.

RORY raises an eyebrow. Unfazed, he stares HECTOR down. HECTOR relents.

HECTOR (CONT’D)

Because I don’t like them. You see, my wife always used to do them and, well, I never got out of the habit of leaving them.

RORY looks unimpressed. He shuffles onto the bench between HECTOR and the untouched Calippo.

RORY

I think that’s silly. It’s not finished until you’ve done them all.

(Beat)

RORY reaches over and turns the newspaper sideways.

RORY (CONT’D)

There you go. Now they’re across, not down.

HECTOR laughs.

HECTOR

You’re not wrong. Come on, help me out then.

The pair sit in silence, staring at the wonky newspaper.

RORY

Isle. “Man, or Wight” It’s Isle. Also, are you going to have that?

He is pointing at the abandoned Calippo sitting beside them.

HECTOR

Oh, that. 

A breeze rustles his hair and the paper. HECTOR smiles.

HECTOR (CONT’D)

Go on then.

RORY grins and tucks into the ice cream happily. The pair sit there for a while in silence, eating their Calippos and staring at the crossword. Then they finish it. 

RORY

Cool! Well, thanks for the ice cream.

HECTOR

No problem. Glad someone got to enjoy it. Thanks for your help.

RORY is about to leave, then stops. He pulls a hot wheel motorbike out of his pocket and hands it to HECTOR.

RORY

For the ice cream.

RORY nods seriously, then runs off. HECTOR laughs, then sighs. He rearranges the flowers and his new hot wheel beside the bench, repacks his bag, then stands to go. The plaque on the bench reads, “In Memory of Jane Watkins, Beloved Wife” HECTOR nods once at the bench, then walks back to the carpark.

EXT. ELDERWOOD MANOR – DAY

HECTOR parks the moped and leaves the key in the ignition. He sneaks in the side door and up the old servants' stairs. He stops by his room and leaves the backpack and its contents behind – all except the paper bag from the Bakery, which he tucks up in his jumper. 

As HECTOR goes down the stairs, the calling of bingo numbers can be heard. 

He takes a seat next to BRIAN as MOIRA walks up to collect a new hairdryer from the front. 

BRIAN

Ey-up Hector, how’d it go?

HECTOR

Really good. Lovely day for an ice cream.

BRIAN smiles and crosses a number off his bingo card – he's been filling out two – and slides the spare over to HECTOR. 

HECTOR

Got you something.

BRIAN looks confused until HECTOR slips him the paper bag. He peeks inside and his face lights up.

BRIAN

OhOHoh! Hector, you little romantic, you!

HECTOR blushes. Inside the bag are two iced choux buns.

HECTOR 

Well, I do try.